Grief over missing persons

The loss of a loved one through disappearance is considered an “illegitimate loss,” in which grief is often disallowed. Society tends to minimize the significance of such a loss with justifications such as the absence of funeral rites, thereby generating stigma around how feelings may be expressed.

The disappearance of family members or friends is a devastating experience, its primary component being uncertainty, along with constant re-exposure to an extremely traumatic environment. Families may even face risks to their own safety while continuing the search. This situation produces multiple, lasting, concomitant, and fluctuating consequences for each family member, who often experience multiple layers of grief (for example, a child who loses a disappeared sibling not only loses the activities of childhood but also experiences the emotional absence of parents whose sole focus is the search).

How each family member copes depends on various factors: age, the role of the disappeared person, the manner of abduction (whether witnessed with violence, persecution, or weapons), the cause (migration, enforced disappearance, kidnapping, natural disaster, armed or political conflict), and the presence or absence of a support network, etc.

Consequences often become part of daily life and may be reactivated over time:

·       Psychological: chronic stress that may evolve into mental disorders such as post-traumatic stress, anxiety, or depression; feelings of guilt for not protecting, frustration, insecurity, impunity, fear, loneliness, mistrust, worry, shame, isolation, anger, ambivalence between hope and hopelessness; irritability, hypervigilance. Intrusive thoughts about the conditions their loved one may be enduring (e.g., mistreatment), expectations of family life, and the tension between longing to confirm death and hoping for life, all of which perpetuate suffering.

·       Behavioral: lack of or minimal self-care (appearance, nutrition, sleep disturbances).

·       Economic: if the disappeared person was the breadwinner, family conditions change, compounded by expenses related to administrative procedures, supposed informants, “clairvoyants,” or leaving employment to dedicate time to the search.

·       Familial: lack of support in the search or in discussing the situation; neglect of other family members such as children, parents, or partners, sometimes leading to divorce.

·       Social: criticism regarding the cause of disappearance, lack of political support for continuing the search, social stigma for resuming activities due to prejudices suggesting the disappeared person no longer matters.

Psychotherapeutic support for all family members is recommended, as conflicts may arise from role shifts (e.g., older children taking care of younger siblings while both parents continue the search).

The goal of psychotherapeutic accompaniment for families of disappeared persons is to help them find ways to live with the situation, fostering emotional regulation so they can continue caring for themselves and their close relationships. It also involves addressing the anguish of needing to know what happened to their loved one and the need to bring closure to the search, so that rituals may be offered to alleviate uncertainty.

Different psychotherapeutic approaches are applied depending on the stage of the process:

A) Abduction: diagnosing psychopathological alterations to differentiate pre-existing conditions and, if necessary, provide follow-up.

B) Search action: psychological support in defining the legal framework and applying search mechanisms.

C) Assimilation: focusing on the present, managing the waiting period in daily life with oneself and loved ones, and re-signifying ways to maintain the bond with the disappeared person (even if not physically) according to the time elapsed since the event.

“To speak of grief in disappearance is: If I accept, I forget; if I forget, I do not search; if I do not search, I do not love.”