Grief following suicide

Living after the experience of suicide is a different kind of loss, because in addition to all the suffering that accompanies a “conventional” death, the loved one who has departed… chose to leave; and that fact triggers an arduous battle against extreme, distressing emotions, accompanied by multiple questions (most of them without answers).

For those grieving such a loss, it is important to at least attempt to understand the reasons that led to such a decision. However, it must be remembered that suicide is multicausal: while there may have been a “catalyst” event (such as the end of a relationship, loss of employment, or a medical diagnosis), it is likely that this was only “the last drop that overflowed the glass,” and that behind the decision there were underlying conditions that contributed to it (depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, impulsivity, emotional inexpressiveness, insecurity, loneliness, anger, hopelessness, feelings of not belonging, guilt, chronic stress, etc.). Therefore, it is recommended not to attribute absolute responsibility to a single factor or person.

The primary goal of suicide is not to end life, but to end suffering. Those who chose to end their lives perceived death as a less objectionable alternative than continuing to live, even though for the rest of the world it may be seen as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is suggested that mourners avoid attempting to “step into the emotional place” of their loved one in order to empathize with their suffering, because they are not in the same circumstances nor do they possess the same emotional resources to truly comprehend it. It is helpful to remember that problems that may be solvable for some can be far more complex for others, and questioning the feelings and thoughts of the person who ended their life may only lead to frustration.

It is natural and expected for human beings to seek certainty, especially when it concerns what has happened to a loved one. Nevertheless, the constant search for exact explanations to fully understand the event can become an inexhaustible source of suffering that, rather than contributing to well-being, may hinder the acceptance that nothing will change what has already occurred.

Psychotherapeutic work with mourners includes tools to address:

-          Stigma resulting from social judgment

-          Ambivalence between wanting social support and simultaneously withdrawing

-          Interpretation of farewell notes (if any were left)

-          Feelings such as guilt, anger, abandonment, frustration, etc.

-          Alternatives for maintaining a bond with the loved one, privileging loving memories continuar vinculados con el ser querido privilegiando recuerdos amorosos