Children’s Understanding of Death

What is death? Will I die someday? Will my parents die too? What happens to the body? 

Understanding of death according to age:

·       Ages 1–3: Death is perceived as departure. The primary fear is abandonment or separation from parents or primary caregivers. Death is often seen as an act of violence or accident. The child needs emotional bonding for safety and affection.

·       Age 4: Death is understood as sleep. The child may experience separation anxiety, loss of control, attachment issues, and irritability.

·       Ages 5–6: Death is still seen as sleep and not definitive. Older individuals are viewed as protectors. There is fear of doctors and of being physically harmed or mutilated.

·       Ages 7–9: Fear of being alone emerges. Children may create fantasies about life after death. They become aware of the possibility of death and maintaining birthday celebrations remains important.

·       Age 10: Children recognize death as an irreversible physical dissolution. They need support for self-esteem and may exhibit secondary gain behaviors in the context of illness, along with irritability.

Children perceive the death of relatives or friends with severe distress, which may or may not manifest through symptoms, especially when the truth is withheld, which can hinder the grief process. It is essential to help them feel that their family needs their love, so they feel acknowledged and have a sense of purpose in offering support.

Recommendations:

1.     Talk about death before the child becomes emotionally involved in a grieving situation. Use opportunities such as passing by a cemetery, the death of a pet, small animal, or flower (analogies).

2.     Do not associate misbehavior or conflict with death (e.g., “your disobedience is going to kill me”).

3.     Explain according to the child’s chronological, intellectual, and emotional age.

4.     Do not delegate, parents should speak directly, using the word “death.”

5.     Do not equate death with sleep or travel, as this may lead to sleep disturbances.

6.     Do not hide your sadness, show that it is necessary to share it.

7.     Give the child the opportunity to talk about the person who died.

8.     If you are a believer, offer the child the comfort that spirituality provides.

9.     Reinforce the irreversibility of death and avoid false expectations of return.

10.  Inform the school about the event.

11.  The child may develop separation anxiety with a parent. Reassure them that you will not abandon them, that you will always be present. Tell them when you are leaving and when you will return (and follow through). Sleeping in their bed or next to them may help, as nighttime distress is common.

12.  Observe the child for any changes.

13.  Clarify roles so the child does not attempt to take on the role of the deceased.

14.  The child may experience: denial, physical discomfort, hostile behavior toward the deceased or others, imitation of the deceased’s mannerisms, idealization, anxiety, panic, or guilt.